Part II: Journeys (Chapter 12)
I was a sedate and obedient child.
Maybe it’s part of my problem
now, why I have difficulties staying within acceptable boundaries, why I
embarrass you sometimes, why I’m tempted to –
Oh, it’s nothing.
Really, Sheldon. I’m just
running at the mouth.
It doesn’t mean a thing –
‘Cause the fat lady can’t
sing!
– Now, where was I?
Oh, yes. Once, I got into
trouble for trying to out-cuss my cousin Daniel O’Flaherty – you’ll meet him at
the reunion.
I don’t think you’ve ever met
him. I haven’t seen him in years.
Please, please, let him be a
no-show.... Please, God, if you really exist!
Anyway, after Mr. MacIntyre,
our white-haired neighbor, caught us screaming dirty words on Nana’s front
porch, I realized I was in deep trouble. I was hoping he’d forget the whole
incident, but, of course, he hadn’t forgotten the cuss words Danny and I had
shouted for the entire neighborhood to hear, shocking words that were now
getting back to Nana.
By the time Mr. MacIntyre had
decided to snitch, Danny was long gone, so guess who bore the brunt of the
fallout?
Nana and the old man stood on
the front porch, Nana’s hands on her hips, Mr. MacIntyre gesturing wildly,
embellishing, I’m sure, his side of the story with impossible scenes that never
really took place.
Nana called for me and forced me
to face my accuser. As I stood before him, I could feel the old man’s sour
breath on my face, his accusations digging in like hot splinters under my
fingernails.
When it was over, I ran to my
room and threw myself on the bed, burying my face on the pillow, waiting for
Nana’s footsteps, for the inevitable punishment, maybe even soap in my mouth,
for sure the belt across my bottom.
I considered running away, far
away from Sioux City, maybe even back to California to live with my mother and
her new boyfriend, but how would I get there?
I had only 75 pennies – money I
had extorted from Danny – enough to get me across the Missouri River to South
Sioux City and back on the bus, maybe a one-way ride to Dakota City.
And Danny was safely away from
Nana’s reach, near his bratty brothers, back to Marybeth Andrews, just a dumb
girl who liked to play silly games with him.
I think I’m going to be sick,
Shel.
You’d better pull over.
*
I feel better. I just don’t know what came
over me.
Game? What game?
Oh, that. It was nothing, I
don’t want to talk about it, it was just child’s play, not worth mentioning.
Please don’t push me on this,
Shel. It’s not the right time.
Nana didn’t spank me. Instead,
she told me to put on my pink dress and white patent leather shoes.
“You’re going to Confession,”
she said, wagging her finger at me.
She called up Father Salvatore
to arrange a special Confession.
I wanted to die.
*
I climbed the steps to the church, my shoes
clicking on the concrete. It was hot, and for the first time in my life, I felt
sweat trickling from my armpits. Inside the vestibule, the click, click, click
of my soles echoed into clomp, clomp, clomp.
I might have been going to the
guillotine.
I slipped into the
Confessional, a small trapezoid space crammed into a leftover nook, an
afterthought.
As Father Salvatore slid open
the door, the wind blew through a small window, whipping up the curtain
separating my unspeakable sins from the man of Christ on the other side.
He sees me!
“Bless me, Father, for I have
sinned. I disobeyed my parents, I told a lie last week, I took a cookie without
asking, I took the Lord’s name in vain, I had impure thoughts –”
“I committed adultery –”
“Adultery? Child, you can’t
commit adultery, you’re much too young. Now tell me what happened.”
I don’t want to tell him, he
knows who I am, and I’ll never, ever be able to come to church, ever again.
“Tell me, child.”
And if I don’t tell him, I’ll
go to Hell for sure, because it’s a double mortal sin if you tell a lie in
Confession, and you’ll spend three eternities in Hell, though it sure feels hot
in here right now, my armpits are sticky and stinky, the sweat between my legs
gluey and yucky. And this is only a small sample of the real Hell, so I’d
better be good and get it all right and not miss even one thing....
I tell him everything, every
detail, and I’m reliving the whole thing all over again, and I can feel Danny
on top of me –
Please, God, bring on the
darkness!
– Then I said my Act of
Contrition, and Father Salvatore gave me six “Our Fathers” and six “Hail Marys”
as Penance and sent me on my way.
Will I ever forget? I want
to forget. I want them all to suffer for my sins.
And that was it.
Shouldn’t we stop for lunch
now? I’m starving, and I don’t think I can wait until Joliet.
I need to fill that big empty space in my gut.