Part III: What Happens a Cappella? (Chapter 49)

It’s been kind of lonely since your Unkie died.

You don’t remember him, do you?

He was a good man, did you know that?

Took excellent care of me, didn’t leave me wanting for much. Left me well off when he died, and if you’re good, I’ll write you in my will.

Would you like that?

Don’t worry, you won’t inherit anything anytime soon.

I’m as healthy as an ox, and I intend to stay that way for a long, long time. Though the way some of your aunts and uncles hover around me, you’d think I was on my death bed.

I’ll show them, I’ll outlive ‘em all.

Samantha Anne, I’m mortified.

Your table manners are atrocious, you’d think you were feeding at a trough. Seven years old and you still eat like a baby. Chew with your mouth closed, chew each bite at least 10 times, and don’t slurp your juice. It’s uncivilized. You really should drink more milk and eat less chocolate chip cookies.

You’re getting a little pot belly, and I can’t tell you how unbecoming it looks.

You must put your knife down between every bite, and you must keep your elbows off the table. I’m an adult, so I’m allowed to put my elbows on the table, but children must pretend they aren’t in the room.

Your day will come all too soon, believe me. Then you’ll be sorry you’re old and gray like me.

Where’d you learn these awful table manners, anyway? Didn’t that mother of yours teach you anything?

You’re my little cuddler, would you like to stay with me tonight? Your Nana says you can stay in the hotel with me.

Too bad no one has any room for me, it’s kind of lonely in a hotel room all by myself. I don’t know why I even bother coming to Sioux City anymore. I don’t understand why people can’t buy houses with guest rooms.

I don’t like being by myself. I wish your Unkie was still here....

Are you coming to California to visit me next summer?

I’ve got a new diet I want you to try.