Part VII: Time Warp 2000’s – Cut! #3 (Chapter 105)


D
ear Mr. G:

You really shouldn’t have sent the picture.

I was serious about “no photographs,” so I’m returning it.

I don’t care about your appearance or what ethnic group you belong to.

What does matter is that you seem to have an eloquent, philosophical style of writing and that you write about feelings that transcend the mundane.

I especially liked the paragraph about your mother’s murder.

I’m not exactly sure why I answered your ad.

Intuition, perhaps.

Also, I realize that I haven’t given you much in the way of information about myself.

You’ll have to bear with me. You’ll understand soon enough, okay?

About your part in the robbery: well, as a rule, I abhor any thought of breaking the law, especially when a weapon is involved. You’re just fortunate that no one was hurt or killed. But in another sense, I can sympathize with the frustration you must have felt after your wife left and you couldn’t find a job.

It’s a tough economy right now.

Still, I have some difficulty reconciling the common criminal who pulled a gun on a 19-year-old bank teller and the man who obviously felt so much pain and rage when his mother was robbed and killed by a mugger who got away with $4.00.

You’re like two different people.

I don’t understand your way of life.

When I was growing up, people lived their lives of quiet desperation my mother drank and stripped for a living, and my stepfather left us and took my baby sister with him but we didn’t drag our business out onto the streets.

The other night when I was watching one of those cop shows (something I don’t watch too often, I must admit), I was stunned when the police car pulled into a driveway and this mountainous woman was hovering over a shirtless rail of a man whom she had just trussed up with a telephone cord. She had looped the cord around his neck, so if he moved his hands even slightly, he would have strangled himself. When the policeman tried cutting the cord, he had to slice a few times before freeing the man.

How gauche!

Do you have a first name?

S.A.W.

P.S. Let me know if you would like me to send you some treats.

Do you like chocolate?

*


(Darkness. As lights slowly come up to reveal a stage, “Evil Child,” by B. B. King, plays to its conclusion, fading as the lights come up. The stage is empty. Aunt Sal and Aunt Gwen enter. They are tossing a Twin Bing candy bar back and forth. They treat the candy bar as if it were something too hot to handle. As each aunt catches the candy bar, she says, “I don’t want it” before tossing it back to the other. This goes on for about 15 seconds. Goodsam enters. The Aunts continue tossing the candy bar back and forth, still mumbling.)

Goodsam: (Looking all around, except at The Aunts.) Where’s my Bing? I know I left it somewhere around here... (Finally notices The Aunts with the candy bar. Stops and rubs her chin.) Hmmmmm. This presents a dilemma.

Aunt Sal: (Without breaking her stride.) The horns of a dilemma. (To Goodsam.) You really want this Bing? (Goes back to exchanging “I don’t want it” with Aunt Gwen.)

Goodsam: (Hesitant.) I’m not sure. I suppose I could find another one. (To Audience.) There’s something strange about that Bing, like maybe it’s missing something important – a candy bar without the sugar. A candy bar without the candy. Poison. You think I should find another one?

Audience/Offstage Chorus: YES!!!!

Goodsam: (Watches as the candy bar makes an arc toward one of The Aunts.) But I want this Bing – it looks okay. In fact, it looks beautiful. Shiny, red wrapper. Sweet as sin. Two big mounds of milk chocolate, crunchy peanuts, creamy cherry nougat. I’d like to sink my teeth into it!

Audience/Offstage Chorus: Don’t do it. You’d be sorry.

Goodsam: (Sighing as she watches the candy bar being tossed back and forth. Whines.) I never get to do anything fun anymore. I wish I could get Badsam back. (To Audience.) I shouldn’t admit this, but I really miss that little red devil. I need to find out the scoop on that Bing. (To The Aunts.) Tell me the story about Twin Candy Bings.

(The Aunts continue tossing the candy bar back and forth, saying “I don’t want it.”)



Aunt Gwen: Please! We don’t speak of her here. She’s a bad one, sure to carry poison and venom in her heart. That name makes me shiver.

Goodsam: I thought we were talking about Candy.

Aunt Gwen: We are, but in the lower case. Bings, candy...you don’t want to know what would happen if you took a bite.

Goodsam: Would I die?

Aunt Sal: Well, not exactly.

Aunt Gwen: You would know things –

Aunt Sal: (To Aunt Gwen.) JUST HUSH YOUR MOUTH!

Goodsam: Would I know the secrets of the universe, the real story behind the Higher Power?

Aunt Sal: That’s not for us to tell.

Aunt Gwen: We do as we are told.

Goodsam: Nana said you would have the answers to our problem.

Aunt Gwen: (Holds candy bar up.) The answers lie somewhere within this red wrapper. (Tosses it back to Aunt Sal.)

Goodsam: (Looks all around.) Where is Badsam, anyway?

(Running and out of breath, Badsam enters stage left.)

Badsam: Someone call?

Aunt Sal: (Ignoring Badsam.) Like I said, some things are best left unsaid. Mother Church has all the answers we need.

Badsam: (Watches as The Aunts toss the candy bar back and forth.) What’s up?

Goodsam: The aunts are playing catch with my Bing. They won’t give it to me.

Badsam: You want it?

Goodsam: I don-n-n’t know.

Badsam: Of course you do. We all want what we don’t have. (Intercepts the candy bar on one of its arcs.) See how easy that was?

The Aunts: (Looking extremely relieved. Both wipe their foreheads with handkerchiefs.) Thank God!!!!

Badsam: (Tries giving the candy bar to Goodsam, who refuses it and shrinks away.) Come on. You know you want it.

Goodsam: (Shakes her head.) “Thou shalt not steal.”

Badsam: (Holds candy bar out.) “Possession is nine-tenths of the law.” Take it.

Goodsam: (Reluctantly accepts the candy bar. Looks at it carefully and then pokes at the wrapper.) Looks innocuous enough. (Tosses it into the air and catches it.) There’s power here.

Aunt Gwen: (Pointing at the candy bar.) It’s your problem now. Sal and I have been trying to get rid of that thing for an eternity.

Aunt Sal: Family secrets under wraps.

Aunt Gwen: Unfinished business for the next generation.

Aunt Sal: Put it away, and, for God’s sake, don’t eat it. Take it far, far away from us.

(The Aunts, arm in arm, start to leave the stage.)

Goodsam: Wait a minute!

(The Aunts stop.)

Aunt Gwen: (Looks down at her feet. Refuses to look at either Goodsam or Badsam.) Our work is done now. Let us be.

Aunt Sal: We can do only so much. We have given you the answers. (Points at the candy bar.) You just need to find them.

(The Aunts exit stage left.)

Goodsam: I am afraid to partake of this Bing. (Cups the candy bar in her hands and raises it in front of her face. To the candy bar:) I shall offer you up, my lovely. (Walks toward the Audience to end of stage. Stands center stage, sets the candy bar down in front of Herself, and makes the Sign of the Cross over it.) “Hoc est enim Corpus meum.” (Then she picks the candy bar up and elevates it above her head with both hands.) “My Lord and my God, Twin Candy Bings!”

(“We are Family,” by Sister Sledge, plays. As music fades, lights dim. Darkness. Curtain.)


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