Part IV: Spin (Chapter 66)
Happiness
is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
– George
Burns
Some girls try it ‘n
go on a diet
Then they worry
‘cause they’s too fat
Who wants t’ride on
an ironin’ board?
That ain’t no
fun...I tried me one
–Frank Zappa, “Sex”
(MUSIC. Lights come up and illuminate an empty stage, with a scrim as a backdrop. As Allan Sherman’s “Grow, Mrs. Goldfarb” plays, GOODSAM, with a large carrot in her hand, enters stage right, and BADSAM, with a bag of Cheetos in her hand, enters stage left. They dash to center stage where they do a synchronized dance routine during which GOODSAM chews on her carrot and BADSAM rips open the bag of Cheetos and stuffs handfuls in her mouth).
Full
Lyrics of “Grow, Mrs. Goldfarb
Grow,
Mrs. Goldfarb, fatter, fatter
(As the song progresses, the face of a smiling SHELDON appears
on the scrim.)
I
got a letter from the state, Dear.
(As the music fades, SHELDON’s
face disappears from the scrim. GOODSAM
and BADSAM stop their dance and
begin doing some exercises: Jumping Jacks, stretching, running in place, etc.)
Goodsam: (Stops her activity. Obviously worn out.
She wipes her brow and continues chewing on her carrot.) Whew! This split
business is a lot of work. I can’t wait until we’re back together...
Badsam: (Stops her exercise and drops the bag of
Cheetos. Obviously distressed.) Back together? Says who?
Goodsam: It’s inevitable. You know that.
Badsam: But...
Goodsam: No “buts” about it. You know we can’t
sustain this split...
Badsam: Huh???
Goodsam: Alone, we are one dimensional...
Badsam: Two dimensional...
Goodsam: Same thing. The point is, alone we are
caricatures, unreal. I am good, you are bad, no middle ground.
Badsam: Who needs middle ground?
Goodsam: All living things.
Badsam: Says who?
Goodsam: The Law of Nature demands balance.
Badsam: I like my thinness. Together we are FAT.
Goodsam: It’s our fate; we were born to carry extra
weight.
Badsam: It all started with Father Dan...
Goodsam: Except he wasn’t Father Dan back then. He
was just DANNY.
Badsam: ...And a big bag of Cheetos.
Goodsam: Cheetos? I don’t remember anything about
Cheetos. (Kicks the opened bag across the stage. Cheetos fly all over the
place.) You got Cheetos on the brain.
Badsam: Devil’s food.
Goodsam: (Taking a bite from the carrot.) I prefer Angel’s food.
Badsam: I can remember a time when we ate nothing
but Cheetos...
Goodsam: (Grimacing.) UGH! I don’t remember
that!
Badsam: That’s because you never remember anything
fun. Allow me to jog your memory...
(Lights go down. Darkness. Music: “Too Fat Polka [She’s Too Fat for Me], lyrics by MacClean-Richardson,” as sung by Arthur Godfrey, orchestra directed by Archie Bleyer.
A
boyish voice, slightly out of tune, sings along. Lyrics
[Refrain]):
Oh,
I don’t want her, you can have her
She’s
too fat for me
She’s
too fat for me
She’s
too fat for me
Oh,
I don’t want her, you can have her,
She’s
too fat
She’s
too fat
She’s
too fat for me...
(As music fades, lights come up. On center stage sit two
children, DANNY, a skinny
redheaded boy with a buzz haircut, and SAMMY,
a chunky girl with long red hair. DANNY,
shirtless and barefoot, wears baggy denim shorts that droop on his hips. SAMMY, fully dressed, wears white
shorts, a sleeveless Prussian Blue crop top, and sandals. The two kids sit
lotus style, with an almost empty Coke bottle and an unopened bag of Cheetos in
front of them.)
Danny: (Continuing his version of the song.) Sam
the Ham’s too fat for me...
Sammy: (Jumping up.) YOU STOP THAT!
Danny: (Giggling like Precious Pup.) Hee,
Hee.
Sammy: I HATE YOU.
Danny: You’re just a big fat baby!
Sammy: I am NOT!
Danny: You are too!
Sammy: Am NOT!
Danny: Are too!
Sammy: Am NOT!
Danny: Are too!
(This dialogue continues, but as the children lose interest, the
lines become less and less strident and softer until they fizzle into
nothingness. Then DANNY jumps up
and begins hopping around the stage. SAMMY remains sitting.)
Danny: I got an idea. Let’s play a game. (He
picks up the bottle and finishes off the Coke). Let’s play Spin the Bottle!
Sammy: (Pinches her nose with her thumb and
finger.) UGH! I’d rather kiss a pig!
Danny: (Laughing.) That’s because you ARE a
pig!
Sammy: Am not! What do you know, anyway?
Danny: I know a lot. I know how to play Spin the
Bottle without kissing at all.
Sammy: (Petulant.) We can’t play it without
kissing.
Danny: Oh, yes, we can. We don’t have to kiss no
one. (Begins singing another stanza from “Too Fat Polka [She’s Too Fat For
Me]”:)
She’s
a twosome,
She’s
a foursome
If
she’d lose some
I
would like her more some...
Danny: (Adds his own line to the stanza:) But
I don’t want to kiss her.
Sammy: (Mimicking:) And I don’t want to kiss
him.
Danny: Well, good. So instead of kisses, let’s play
for Cheetos. The winner gets to eat ONE Cheeto. We play until they’re all gone.
Sammy: (Reluctantly.) I dunno.
Danny: You like Cheetos, don’t you?
Sammy: Well, yeah...
Danny: So, what’s the big deal?
Sammy: (Pulls the Cheeto bag toward her and
picks it up. Stands up and walks toward the AUDIENCE. The spotlight narrows and
focuses squarely on her. She pulls the bag against her chest and hugs it close
to her heart. She addresses the AUDIENCE
directly:) I know gluttony’s a Mortal Sin, but I wish I could eat all the
Cheetos in the world and still not get fat.
(Lights fade. Darkness. Music: another stanza from “Too Fat
Polka [She’s Too Fat for Me]” Lyrics/fifth stanza:)
Can
she prance up a hill?
No,
no, no, no, no
Can
she dance a quadrille?
No,
no, no, no, no
Does
she fit in your coupe?
By
herself she’s a group
Could
she possibly
Sit
upon your knee?
No,
no, no...
(Music fades.)
Sammy: (Speaking from the darkness:) Okay,
I’ll play.
(Spotlight comes up on the two children. They are in the middle
of a spin, which SAMMY wins. She
shouts with glee and pops a Cheeto into her mouth. Loud munching can be heard.
As she munches the Cheeto, she grows visibly larger. This scene – with SAMMY always being the winner – repeats
over and over; each time SAMMY
eats a Cheeto, she grows larger. By the time the bag has been emptied, SAMMY is enormous, bursting out of her
clothes until she is totally naked. She attempts to cover herself with her
hands, but she can barely move her puffed-out arms. DANNY romps around the stage, yelling, “Ha, ha, ha, I
gotcha,” over and over. Lights go down. Music: last stanza of “Too Fat Polka
[She’s Too Fat For Me],” Lyrics (refrain/last stanza:)
Oh,
I don’t want her, you can have her
She’s
too fat for me
She’s
too fat for me
She’s
too fat for me
Oh,
I don’t want her, you can have her,
She’s
too fat
She’s
too fat
She’s
too fat for me
Sammy: HEY!
(Music ends. Lights go down. Darkness. A pause of several seconds. Music: one stanza of “Colonel Sanders Thighs,” a parody of “Bette Davis Eyes,” sung by Rotunda, Lyrics/first stanza:)
Her
eyes are Big Mac brown
Her
hair’s like golden fries
She’s
blown up like the clown
She’s
got Colonel Sanders thighs
She’ll
turn her Twinkies [Cheetos] on you
You
won’t want to look twice
Her
buns are Mrs. Beard’s
She’s
got Colonel Sanders thighs...
(Lights come up to reveal GOODSAM
sitting demurely center stage and still gnawing on her carrot and BADSAM running all over the stage,
picking up Cheetos from the floor and popping them into her mouth. A loud
crunch echoes throughout the theater.)
Badsam: (Pauses and moves down center stage, no
longer picking up Cheetos. She stops eating. The crunching stops. Addresses the
AUDIENCE:) And therein wags
our tale of woe.
Goodsam: (Confused.) I don’t remember that
incident at all.
Badsam: You don’t remember a lot of things.
Goodsam: But I would’ve remembered THIS story. It’s
too vivid, too stark, too close to the bone.
(BADSAM shrugs and
turns away from GOODSAM and the AUDIENCE.)
Goodsam: It just doesn’t rattle my memory...
Badsam: (Turns toward GOODSAM and the AUDIENCE.
In a cryptic tone:) It could’ve been true. (In a stage whisper, to the AUDIENCE:)
In the future, this will be called “fake news.”
Goodsam: But it wasn’t true, was it?
Badsam: (Shrugs.) The essence is true.
Goodsam: (A deep sigh of relief.) So. I’m not
crazy.
(BADSAM resumes
picking up and eating Cheetos from the floor.)
Goodsam: How can you eat those dirty old things?
Badsam: Ha! I’d rather sweep up Cheetos from the
gutter than pull boring ole’ carrots from the garden.
Goodsam: (Points directly at BADSAM.) SHE’S why Samantha’s fat. I
try to show Sam the proper way, but, no, SHE’S always dangling some sinful refined
concoction in front of her.
Badsam: (Points directly at GOODSAM.) Samantha’s fat because SHE
doesn’t want Sam to have any fun; SHE would have Sam sitting around, eating
alfalfa sprouts and drinking rarified water and thin, tasteless consommé. No
wonder Sam’s obsessed with food.
Goodsam: (Indignant.) SOMEONE has to put the
brakes on that monstrous appetite. (To BADSAM:)
You think I LIKE being the HEAVY?
(Booing comes from the direction of the AUDIENCE.)
Goodsam: (Walks to the edge of center stage and
points directly at the AUDIENCE. (Yelling
in an angry voice:) WHO ASKED YOU?
(Lights gradually fade. Music: Last stanza of Allan Sherman’s
“Grow Mrs. Goldfarb,” Lyrics/last stanza:)
Eat,
Mrs. Goldfarb, daily, nightly.
Eat,
though your chair is bending slightly.
Love
of my life, I’m glad I found you,
Each
day I take a walk around you...
(Again, SHELDON’s
smiling face appears on the scrim.)
I
can’t forget when we got married.
Over
the threshold I got carried.
No
other bride would be so sweet.
Eat,
Mrs. Goldfarb, eat!
(After song ends, SHELDON’s
face disappears. Light fades. Darkness.)
(Curtain.)